On a Date with a Bald Albino Lady

So you are sitting in the airport. Plenty of time until boarding. Bags safely by your side. Coat nicely folded over your lap. Enjoying the prime setting for your favorite activity—people-watching. And then it hits—the dreaded inevitable of solo flying—you have to pee.

No.

I cross my legs.

No.

Pressure building.

Fine.

Pee is a dictator. It does not negotiate.

The problem with using a toilet stall in an airport is that airport designers assume that everyone travels with that convenient other person who watches your bags every time nature calls, making airport stalls the same size as all toilet stalls—big enough for you and a roll of toilet paper, not big enough for you and luggage, especially not a semester’s worth of luggage. Since you do not have that convenient other person and asking a stranger to watch your stuff is risking being arrested as a terrorist, you shoulder your bags, throw your coat under your arm, grab hold of your suitcase, and proceed towards the little bald albino lady in the triangle skirt.

Once there you wait in line for at least five minutes, which is fine, except for your bag slipping off your shoulder every 45 seconds, which you can feel slowly working its way down in small jerks, millimeter by millimeter. While gravity and you battle it out, women and small children with all their luggage are trying to get past you with all your luggage. As they move one way you move the other way in a little dance of  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” trying so hard to be courteous, but no matter where you shuffle, the suitcases collide like two dogs sniffing each other in failed unobtrusiveness.

Finally, you reach the front of the line. A door opens. A woman walks out. You start moving. You can see the inside of the stall. And then you stop.

You look down at your suitcase. You look at your overstuffed laptop bag and coat and feel the weight of your backpack. You look back at the stall.

How to fit?

Airport designers need to address this issue. I suggest bigger stalls with more hooks. Designated “convenient other persons” for solo travelers would be nice, too.