10 Notes-to-Self upon Returning to the US

Self: Read this list when you return to the US.

1. The weather is not a legitimate or interesting conversation topic. Yes, in England, talking about the weather is the standard conversation opener, but in the US, talking about the weather is the lowest form of conversation, a topic that translates to, “You’re boring me, and I have nothing to say to you, but silence would be even more awkward.”

2. You cannot do an authentic English accent. No one in England speaks a remix of the Queen’s English and Cockney, the two accents almost every American, including myself, resorts to when attempting an English accent. When attempting an American accent, the English resort to a nasal mid-western accent; I have no idea why this is.

3. You cannot walk into a hospital and receive tax-paid health care. You will be required to fill out insurance forms, and if you cannot afford treatment, then you will be turned away. The NHS does not exist here.

4. Your now darker shade of teeth does not mark you as unhygienic. It marks you as a cultured Tea Drinker who brushes and flosses twice daily. You will stand by this statement.

5. When Person A asks you where Person B went, respond, “She went out to smoke a cigarette,” not “She went out to smoke a fag.” If you respond with the latter, then Person A will call the police and have you and Person B arrested for an attempted homophobic hate crime. Prison does not fit into your life plan.

6. Pray daily that you did not acquire the black lung abroad. From personal observation, more people in England smoke per capita than in the US, and because cigarettes are significantly more expensive in England than in the US, many English students roll their own cigarettes, thereby cutting costs, ramping the buzz, and billowing smoke deep into surrounding lungs. Please note: I have never smoked a cigarette.

7. Your bank account will be empty. One US dollar is worth 0.65 UK pounds, and certain things like food and rent were necessary for survival while abroad. In order to reverse this personal economic crash, you are allowed to purchase one lottery ticket. Choose wisely.

8. It is no longer acceptable to go clubbing until 4am on a Tuesday. I do not even know if clubs in the US are open on Tuesday. Your going out will be restricted to Thursday through Saturday night house parties like the standard American university student. In England, university students hit the clubs Monday through Thursday and then head to the nearest house party Friday and Saturday when the older, professional crowd that works during the week overtakes the clubs. American students, we really have no idea of what we are missing.

9. Upon greeting people, inquire, “Hi. How are you?” Because asking the English equivalent, “You alright?” will cause people to think that they appear upset. Remember when you first arrived in England and had this same reaction.

10. Being at a loss of what to do in a life without pubs is perfectly natural. There are people you can talk to.

English Evening in Selly Oak