Living on the Edge (cue Aerosmith)

Studying abroad is constantly standing on the edge of my comfort zone with my feet halfway over the edge of a cliff with nothing but a thousand feet of air below. For the first two weeks, I was so scared—so scared of falling. But after two weeks, I discovered that I am not standing on the edge. I am walking, and not along the rim, but forward. With each step, my toes land on air, only to curl over the edge and push off again. I have not fallen, because every time I step forward, the cliff juts out to catch me, but never fully, never enough to catch my whole foot, but enough to stand halfway on solid ground.

I cannot fall. I know that now, but I still get scared. But more and more, that fear is converting into thrill. Teetering on the brink triggers an adrenaline rush, so instead of closing my eyes and whimpering in fear like before, I stand on the rim, arms wide, yelling, “AHHHH!”, my whole body rippling with echoes.

Even if the edge cannot hurt me, it does exhaust me. I can walk forward for only so long until I have to turn around, crawl back to the soft, comfortable center, curl up, and rest. I have increased my stamina, but I still get physically exhausted constantly meeting new people, learning a new place, understanding a new system, going out, and pushing myself to socialize. I am perpetually adjusting, bobbing, weaving, contorting, trying to create a life here. So often, I just want to curl up in my bed, not even to sleep but just to be in a place where I do not have to try.

But as my mother tells me when I am sick, “The bed will kill you. If you want to get better, then you have to do those small necessary things like get up, walk around, feed yourself, bathe yourself, and wash your sheets.” I have repeated those lines to myself many times since I landed here. I have to do those small, necessary things every day like smile at someone, say “Hi,” ask someone a question, walk back from class with someone, and say “yes” to an invitation. As small as those actions are, they are so important in creating that human contact, so important in not being alone for those few minutes.

If I can fly halfway around the world, leaving everything and everyone I know behind, then I can be confident; I can assert myself. I have liberated myself, because nothing I can do here will ever be as crazy as the action that brought me here. So go to that party, walk up to that person. Even if there is a 100% chance forecast for awkwardness, do it.

Now that you have given yourself this pep talk, Anna, actually go do something with your life instead of typing on your bed.