How to Survive Commuting in 5 Steps

Commuting asphyxiates the soul with every second lost, trapped inside a plastic and metal machine on wheels that can never get there fast enough. Never do it. NEVER! But if you are fated for Satan's iron maiden...

5-Step Survival Guide to Commuting:

1. If you too commute, then God looked down upon you, and said, “I hate you,” so pray for your soul and that the hell does not extend into infinity after you get so red-blind from sitting in stand-still traffic that you gnaw off your own arm and bleed to death.

2. Misery loves company, so find another person God hates and endure the misery together. Make sure the person is entertaining or at least somewhat amusing. You are already in hell; don’t kindle your own inferno with someone boring, or worse, annoying. Ew.

3. NPR. No explanation necessary.

4. Audio books. I recommend Jim Dale's brilliant reading of the Harry Potter series for months’ worth of magical adventure. Always choose something plot-driven. Forget symbolism and theme. You want a story to carry you away from your suffering, not leave you brooding in it.

5. Airborne Toxic Event. Buy all songs. Listen to all songs. Experience your life changing. Wear helmet. Because they are about to break the %&*# out.

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